My Brown Eyed Girl
by Moonlight Enchantments
Summary: RoomieReela. Obviously! Set four years after the end of season 13, no s14 spoilers because I dont know any. What happens when Ray and Neela come face to face again, and how have they changed? Rubbish summary I know but R&R anyway!
1. Chapter 1 Ray

**A/N Well, I should be writing an Ancient History essay right now, about emperors and generals... but I'm sick, and I really miss writing some good old Roomie fics. Plus I'm a bit angsty atm, so I thought I'd transfer my angst to fanfic! Anyway, this should be a full-length fic, but I'm not sure... we'll see what happens. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any cha****racters/storylines from that... etc etc (also I don't own any song lyrics I may use!)**

**Setting etc: 4 years after the end of season 13. Ray moved to Baton Rouge, to try and collect the pieces of his life together. Neela was badly injured in the riot at the peace rally, but survived and continued living in Chicago. All other bits of background will be explained in the story. But basically, they haven't seen each other in many years, until circumstances force a reunion. As to the ages of the characters, I wasn't really sure, so I just went with whatever! I'm putting Neela as around 35, Ray about the same, Abby a coupla years older and Joe's about 5 or 6!**

**My Brown Eyed Girl**

Chapter One- Ray

"_When they get to the part _

_where he's breaking her heart,_

_It can really make me cry"_

-The Carpenters

I knew I was going to meet her. Of course I would. It was the first time I'd come out of Baton Rouge since moving there four years ago and I was going to a medical convention. I couldn't have given Fate a better chance unless I actually went back to County and there was no way that was happening. I didn't really want to go to this convention but it had sounded really interesting and... well I wanted to see her again. I may as well admit that to myself. I wanted to see what she looked like now, how she was. I just wasn't sure if I actually wanted to talk to her. Well, I wasn't sure if I could cope with talking to her again.

My Mom gave me a lift to Baton Rouge Metropolitan airport, she wouldn't hear of it that I'd get a taxi, and I got the 11.45am flight to New York. The flight was kind of uncomfortable, flights always had been 'cause I was tall, but with my prosthetics my legs usually ached anyway so I was sort of used to the dull pain. People I'd met at the support sessions told me the pain would lessen. People always said that though, you couldn't exactly go round saying "yeah sorry, you're going to have to live with that pain forever." People would never get better. I knew all the doctor bullshit, all the euphemisms. It had been hard having them spouted to me. But the pain had lessened, not just the pain of my legs, but the pain of losing my home, my friends, and my heart. It wasn't that it had stopped hurting... just that I had got used to it hurting.

As the plane was landing my stomach started to turn to butterflies. I wasn't nervous about crashing or anything, I was nervous about coming face to face with my past. I just knew she'd be there.

* * *

I crashed onto my hotel bed after a day of lectures and a very filling dinner accompanied by champagne. She wasn't here. After all the anticipation I hadn't found her. I'd been determined she'd be here.

For the past four years I'd been living in Baton Rouge, pulling my life back together. I had to learn to use my prosthetics. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Second only to driving away from Chicago. That day I had to clamp my teeth together to stop myself screaming out "Turn round, turn round!" Only the anger kept me going, kept me moving away from her. And a few weeks later when my new legs were being fitted and the regret had set in it was only the knowledge that I wouldn't, couldn't let her see me like that. I was a mess, I relied totally on others at first. She didn't need to see me like that. It had been my anger at her that kept me running away, it was anger at myself that made me walk. I wanted to walk back into her life, not just the man I was before the accident but better.

And finally I'd thought I would have my chance. A chance not to ask her to love me again -I knew I didn't deserve that. I wasn't even sure it was what I wanted. I just wanted a chance to ask her to forgive me, make sure she was ok, so we could both get on with our lives. Well, so I could anyway, she probably had already.

Neela Rasgotra was the woman who had forced me to get a grip and grow up. And I loved her for it. A piece of me always would love her, always think of her when things got hard. But I wasn't in love with her, too much time had passed. I just needed some closure.

As I drifted off to sleep I tried to think of a way to track her down. Even if she wasn't still at County maybe someone there would know where she'd moved too. Or she could still be at County for all I knew, it wouldn't be unheard of. I thought of her smiling face, her eyes shining brightly. Then I saw her eyes filled with tears, as I'd last seen them. How could I have turned away from her?

Did she still think of me?

Did she still remember all the little things? I remembered them about her. I know the exact smell of her brand of shampoo. One of the nurses in my physio' sessions had the same perfume as her. It kept me going.

But I'm not still in love with her. I broke her heart, she broke mine.

* * *

I woke up late the next morning and didn't even have time for a shower if I wanted to catch breakfast. I hadn't woken up late in years and had never had to rush anywhere with my prosthetics. I didn't work in the ER any more, I worked in Paediatrics. I'd changed my elective because there hadn't been an opening in the ER in Baton Rouge. Plus I'd always liked kids. It was a really interesting field of medicine, not quite the hustle and bustle of an ER, but it was close. Kids could run around crazier than any drunks I'd seen in Chicago.

As I walked up to the buffet line, getting myself a slight glare from the waiter who had been just about to take the food away, I caught a glimpse of black hair. Putting some cold toast on my plate I looked to my left. There was a small woman with black hair tumbling in waves just past her shoulders. She was talking animatedly to another woman who was nodding. She had her back to me, so I couldn't see her face, but I knew it was her.

Taking my plate over I tapped her on the shoulder, breathing in the smell of familiar perfume.

My eyes immediately dropped to her rounded belly. This couldn't be Neela, this woman was about 5 months pregnant.

"Ray?" she said with a sharp intake of breath.

"Neela."

* * *

**A/N Hope you liked, reviews welcome!!! (I hope I got Ray's confusing feelings over alright!)**


	2. Chapter 2 Neela

**A/N Thanks for the lovely reviews :D I'm glad you're all enjoying this so far, even if you did find it a little shocking haha!**

**Oh yes, thanks to roomieslover: Neela is 32/33 apparently :) thank you!!!**

Chapter Two -Neela

"_Every time I thought I'd got it made_

_It seemed the taste was not so sweet_

_So I turned myself to face me"_

-David Bowie

"Neela."

His face hasn't changed one bit. None of the lines that I know I have. Men do age better, but it's as if he hasn't changed at all. Except that I know he has, I know that he is using prosthetics, I know how much pain he has been through.

"I didn't expect to see you here..." I said quietly, not knowing what else to say. If I'd thought for one moment I might run into Ray Barnett I know I never would have come to this convention. It was only Abby's fierce words that had made me come in the first place.

"_Neela, you need to stop being afraid of running into people. You will go and you will learn and you will enjoy yourself!"_

After so many years of kind words and people skirting round those topics they knew I wouldn't want to hear, her words had definitely meant something.

"Yeah well... I have to say I thought I might run into you... One of those things you know..." He seemed unable to look at me. Then I realised why. Of course he had no idea I was pregnant. If he had expected to see me, he probably expected me to be as unchanged as he was.

"Look Ray I..." Just as I was about to explain a woman clapped her hands together.

"Come on people, let's get to the lecture theatre."

He smiled at me and began to turn away then stopped suddenly. "Neela have dinner with me tonight. Please."

I nodded. "Of course I will."

* * *

The rest of the day all I could think of was him. It had been years since I'd had a Ray-Day. That's what I'd nicknamed those days when I just couldn't get him out of my head. It had first happened when we were living together and then it was purely daydreams; conversations we might have, things we might do, ways I could annoy him like he annoyed me. Later it was trying to dissect my feelings; was it lust or was it something more? And then after I'd moved out, after my accident, it was all regrets; I should never have let him go.

But like I said, it had been years. 4 years since I'd last seen him. 3 years since I'd gone back to work. And 2 years since I'd stopped allowing myself to think about him. Now here he was, in the same hotel as me no less and we were going for dinner. For explanations.

I had no idea how he'd react to all I had to say. He didn't know anything from Chicago since he'd left, I'd asked Abby. He'd cut himself away from that life, from all the memories. I didn't know how I'd react to what he had to say either. He looked so good, so well. Surely he had gotten himself together, perhaps he was married now. I didn't know if I could cope with that. Not thinking about him was one thing. Knowing he was out there happy with someone else was something completely different. No matter how hypocritical that might be.

* * *

We met in the lobby with awkward smiles. Two people who had once known everything about the other, awkward about spending a dinner together.

He was wearing a pale blue shirt and black pants, so unlike the Ray I remembered except...

"You had a shirt that colour on when I first met you." I hadn't meant to say it aloud. He smiled nervously;

"Really?"

"Yeah," I said, blushing, "I remember not recognising you later when I saw you in your t-shirts and nail varnish."

He laughed, "Those days seem a long time ago. I haven't worn nail varnish in years." He gave me a cheeky grin. "Shall we go in?"

I nodded and led the way into the dining hall. Around us were couples and groups eating and talking quietly. There were even a few business men eating alone with a newspaper. I'd hate to be eating alone. It was good we had run into each other. I had to keep telling myself that.

"I'm starving," I said as we sat down. "I didn't get here in time last night to eat... what's good?"

"Um most things really... I would have preferred a take-out though," he said, grinning.

I smiled and started looking at the menu. Glancing up at him I caught him looking at me.

"Sorry," he said, "I just can't believe we're both here... after so long."

"I know. So... how've you been?"

"Over the past four years? Well, a mixture I guess," he said, smiling. "I got my prosthetics, as you can probably tell."

"It is amazing."

"I know," he sighed. "It was hard work. And it will never be like it was... I would never be able to jump about on stage like I used to. But I guess that's all part of getting old."

"You're 32 Ray, that's hardly old," I said.

"I feel so much older than 32."

"I know what you mean... So... are you still living in Baton Rouge?"

"Oh right, sorry," he nodded, putting his menu down. "Yep, I'm working in Paediatrics there. There wasn't an ER opening. But it's actually really great. A lot of fun and a lot of hard work."

"Doc Rock as a Paediatrician. Who would have thought it," I said, smiling. I knew he would be great whatever field he was working in.

"And you? Surgery still your thing?"

I nodded, glad we were sticking to the safe subjects so far. I needed some food before I could think of how to explain the last few years to him. "Yes, I'm still at County, still in surgery."

The waiter came over and took our orders. We sat there for a moment after he had gone, neither us knowing what subject to bring up next. We waited in silence, smiling awkwardly until our food arrived.

Ray cleared his throat. "This looks good."

"Mmm" I agreed, taking a bite. "So... are you with anyone?"

He almost choked, and took a while to answer. "Um no, I'm not. I haven't really had time to meet people... you know. Well... obviously you don't, I um hope you're happy... married?"

I looked at him quizzically. "Married? Why... Oh... no I'm not married. I'm not actually with anyone."

"Oh," he said, confusion painting his features.

"A lot of things have happened in the past 4 years Ray and I'm really not sure how to tell you about them. But I know I have to. Ok, the day you left I went to a Peace Rally, I'm not sure if you heard about it. There was a bomb scare, a riot... I got crushed by the crowd, along with 3 others. I was pretty badly injured and when I came round they told me I wouldn't be able to have kids." I paused and laughed, "It's amazing what they can get wrong isn't it. Anyway, I wouldn't have been able to get through that without Abby and Greg and everyone. They really helped me. So I knew that no matter how bad the memories were I couldn't leave Chicago. When I was better I began working at County again and trying to pull everything together. But I was on auto-pilot."

He nodded. "I know that feeling. The first few years of trying to get myself back in shape I was on auto-pilot. Its the bodies way of coping. I... I wish I could have been there for you. I didn't know."

"I asked Abby not to tell you. I knew you were going through enough."

"I... go on, what else happened?" He obviously couldn't think of the words to say.

I laughed. "You'll never guess. I got a phone call from Brett."

"My Brett?"

"Yes, your Brett," I said, nodding. "He took me out a couple of times, for old times sake. We started going round bars and things. He was the only person who could make me forget it all and laugh again. Not even Abby could do that. You find help in the strangest of places." I couldn't tell him about the number of conversations me and Brett had about him. I couldn't tell him that at first I'd gone out with Brett to try and have some reminder of him.

"You and Brett... I never would have known. I haven't spoken to him in years."

"We... hooked up." I said, knowing I had to tell him at some point. He looked up from his food and sighed.

"Is... the baby... his?"

I shook my head. "No. Me and Brett it was... a comfort thing. We both needed someone and hoped we could be there for each other. But we couldn't. We fought so much and it was just... wrong." _He knew I wished it was you, _I thought to myself. "We came out of a rocky relationship with a strong friendship, one of the strongest I've had. He's been there through a lot. And I know his influence wasn't the best... we'd go round bars together, hooking up with people. It's not a time in my life that I'm proud of. But he saw I wasn't happy and he helped me to face the truth to face living again. That was about a year ago. I had six months of trying to make myself real again, to find other ways of living. Then I had a bit of a set back. I thought I'd go to one more bar, have one last fling. It was this guy in college."

"College?" Ray asked, surprised.

"Yes... I'm not proud of myself Ray and if I could explain all this in a different way I would. But yeah... a college guy. One thing led to another and well, you've been there. Then a month later I had to do a test. When I pee'd on that stick and the word "pregnant" came up it was like my whole body stopped being numb. Like I'd only just warmed myself up after being out in the snow. I knew I had to get my act together and start living life properly again. I don't drink any more and I won't even after I've given birth. It was a crutch that I thought I needed but I don't need it at all. I go to work and I work hard, everyone's noticed the difference. I spend my time off with Abby, Luka and Joe, or with Greg or with Brett. They're my supports now. We do whatever, stupid things, boring things. Grown-up things."

"You've been through so much. I can't even think now why I wasn't there. It seems so..." he trailed off.

"You've been through a lot too Ray. That's why."

He nodded. "Does the guy know?"

"I told him. And I told him he doesn't owe me anything or need to give up anything. It's my choice to have this baby. I thought I couldn't have children and now that I am... it's so amazing. But I know it wouldn't be that for him and I don't want to drag him into this."

"But you're going to be on your own?"

I smiled. "I'm not on my own Ray. I have my friends. And soon enough I'll have my baby. That's more than enough to live for."

**A/N So that's Neela's story!!! Well, the basics :P Don't worry there will be a lot more detail coming up in chapters.**

**What will happen to the Roomie's now hmmm?**

**Review please :D**


	3. Chapter 3 Ray

**A/N Eeeee sorry sorry sorry, my internet was down so I couldn't post this! Sorry!**

**Thank you all for the lovely reviews, and I hope you keep reading!**

**And sorry about the random e-mail, I don't know how it should be set out or anything.**

Chapter Three -Ray

"_You stop the blood and make my head soft,_

_And God knows,_

_You've got me sewn"_

-The Feeling

I sat back in my chair, my dinner only half eaten but my appetite completely lost. So much had happened to her. I could barely take it all in. Her accident. Brett. Pregnant. And here was me thinking it was me who had changed the most, gone through the most. It was no competition I know but I felt so stupid sitting there in front of this amazingly strong woman. I'd been through a lot, lost a lot, but I'd had four years to get over it. She'd only just started living again. And she had so much to live with now.

"Neela... I... wish I had been there."

"What? You think if you'd been there... things would be different?"

I shook my head, "No. I just wish I could have been there for you. Been a friend to you."

"I have friends Ray." Before I could even begin to interpret what she might mean by that she pulled out the desert menu. "Well, I think I'm going to have some cake. You like chocolate gateaux right? It looks pretty rich." She nodded over to a waiter who was carrying a huge slice of chocolate cake to a near-by table.

"Yeah, sure we can split it," I said, smiling.

Half an hour later and the slice of cake has gone. I had barely any of it. I didn't mind, I wasn't hungry and it was enough for me just getting to see the cheeky grin on her face as she finished off the last mouthful.

"I blame being pregnant," she said, sheepishly.

I laughed, "You've always had a sweet tooth, I think you would have managed that pregnant or not."

"Maybe, maybe. Hmm I suppose we should get the bill. It's pretty late."

"Yeah, I don't want to keep you up... are you leaving tomorrow?"

She nodded. "You?"

"Yup. Back to Baton Rouge... It was really nice seeing you Neela."

"I'm glad we bumped into each other," she said, smiling at me. "It had to happen at some point right?"

We left some money on the table, I knew not to bother trying to pay the whole tab, she'd just argue. Then we walked to the lobby. This was it. Time for goodbyes.

"Look, I'm really proud of you Ray. I can't believe how well you're looking and... it's just amazing."

"Says you? I can't even begin to say..." I paused then bent down to kiss her on the cheek. "Maybe we'll see each other again sometime."

"You're so serious in your old age," she said, eyes twinkling, "Don't I get a hug?"

She leaned against my chest and my arms closed around her. It was so familiar to me and yet so different. But she smelled the same. She was still my Neela... I mean, the Neela I remembered.

"Say hey to everyone for me."

"I will," she said. "Goodnight Ray."

"'Night Neela."

* * *

I spent all that night awake. All the next day on the plane. And the next night after that. All that time, thinking about her. I was thinking about everything I'd done over the last 4 years, comparing it to everything she'd done. I'd been being sensible, she'd been spiralling down a dangerous road. I could tell by her face it wasn't just a simple case of going to a few bars every now and again, we'd all done that. We'd all made mistakes -I knew that one for sure. But in Neela's eyes there were ghosts of the past, things she'd seen and done that she couldn't help regretting. I had the same ghosts I knew. She was one of my regrets. And meeting her this time hadn't helped those regrets. I couldn't help feeling it was somehow my fault, if I'd been there I could have stopped her... saved her.

But in the end it wasn't me who saved her, it was herself. And Brett and Abby and Luka and all those others who were still there for her. She didn't need me any more.

I needed her.

I wanted her.

After all these years seeing her had still made my heart beat faster. Her smell still made me smile. Her eyes still stopped my breath. Thinking of her with Brett and those others... it made me crazy with jealousy.

For days after the conference I was on autopilot, barely talking, barely eating, barely sleeping. Just thinking and trying not to think. Then about a week later I checked my e-mails. A life changing e-mail was in my in box.

_Dear Doctor Barnett,_

_It was lovely meeting you at the conference in New York. I remember you said you used to live in Chicago. I don't know if you remember but I am Chief of Staff at Mercy Hospital there and we are looking for a new Attending in our Paediatrics department. I was asked if I could suggest anyone and I thought of you along with some others._

_I was wondering if you wanted to come up for an interview next week?_

_I completely understand that this is out of the blue but we do need the position filling quite promptly. Please reply when you can,_

_Yours,_

_Doctor Felix Woods (Mercy Hospital, Chicago)_

I replied immediately and booked my plane ticket. Fate had intervened once more in my life and this time I wasn't passing up the chance. One certain doctor that I used to know and love lived in Chicago. And if I could, I'd soon be moving back there. I didn't expect anything from her, except hopefully friendship. If I could regain her friendship, I knew I'd be happy. Right then I knew what she meant about coming into the warmth out of the snow. These past years I'd been recovering from my accident, postponing my life until I was better. It was only when I replied to that e-mail that I realised my life was meant to be in Chicago. I was going back there, for better or worse. Whether I'd get hurt again... I didn't care.

I was going back.


	4. Chapter 4 Neela

**A/N And for not posting in so long, here's another chapter for you guys :D**

Chapter Four -Neela

"_Look at her face, _

_She__'s crying, see her disgrace, it's blinding,_

_I hope you figure it out,_

_Look at her face, _

_She's blinded by her mistakes"_

-The Coral Sea

"You saw Ray? Ray Barnett?"

I smiled. "The one and only."

Brett looked stupefied. "And they always try to say how big America is."

"It was so weird. I had to tell him... about us and all."

He nodded. "What did he say?"

"Not much." I remembered his expressions of shock but Brett didn't need to know about that. "But he said to say hi and everything..."

"He's going to kill me," Brett said to himself.

"Why? It's me who... he'll be disappointed with." There I had said it. I knew the look that had been in his eyes, knew what it meant. There he was making a new life for himself, bettering his career. And here I was, still in Chicago and accidentally pregnant.

"No-one could ever be disappointed with such a wonderful woman as you Neela. Especially not Ray Barnett," Brett said kindly.

"You didn't see the look on his face."

It was nothing I hadn't gotten used to. My parents were barely talking to me, a child born out of wed-lock was simply out of order. People at work couldn't look me in the face when they were talking to me. They whispered when I walked past. But I'd hoped that Ray, maybe, could understand.

I should have known better.

"Anyway, we better get upstairs for this appointment right Doctor Neela?" Brett asked, glancing at his watch.

I grinned at his use of my nickname. "Yeah I guess so."

We crossed the road to the hospital where I was about to have my 5 month check-up. I'd decided to have all my scans and things at Mercy rather than County, at least that way the gossip could be kept to a minimum. Brett always came with me to any appointment as well. For moral support. He asked so many questions it was beginning to get on my nerves but he was also so cheerful that I couldn't help but be cheerful too.

He loped up the corridor while I hurried along behind him, trying unsuccessfully to keep pace with his long legs. We got to the lift doors just as they were opening.

"Barnett!"

My eyes widened as Ray, dressed in a dark grey suit, stepped out of the lift. He smiled sheepishly. "Um hey Neela... Brett... What are you guys doing here?"

Brett and I looked at each other, "We... I... what..." I stammered.

"God man, I could ask you that! And why the hell didn't you call us? It's been too long man," Brett said, pulling Ray into a hug.

"It's good to see you Brett. Well I didn't want to tell you... until I knew for sure I mean. I'm here for an interview."

"An interview... at Mercy?" I said, "You're moving back to Chicago?"

He nodded, "Well, if I get this job... hopefully."

"Of course you'll get it," Brett said with a grin, "You're the best doctor out there. Apart from Doctor Neela of course. And I guess maybe Luka's up there too... and Abby and..."

"Yeah I get the point Brett," Ray said, laughing.

"But yeah, if you're back in Chicago, it'll be just like old times!"

Ray and I glanced at each other. We both knew it wouldn't be like old times. So much was different, so much had happened. Brett was naïve enough to believe none of it mattered but of course it did.

"So um what are you two doing here?"

"I have my five month scan," I said, smiling.

"Oh right, well I'll leave you's to it... I'll phone or something, if I get this."

Brett shook his head, "No way man, don't think you're getting away that easily. You have got to come round to mine tonight, ok?"

"Well I... yeah," Ray smiled, "That'd be great. Just like old times."

As we went up in the lift Brett chattered away about how amazing it was that Ray was back. I kept quiet. I didn't know how to react to the thought that Ray Barnett might be moving back to Chicago. I was just getting my life together without him... how on earth would I cope with a new life that involved him. Before I knew it tears were running down my face.

Brett pulled me into a hug, "Look I know it's gonna be tough. There's a hell of a lot of history to get over. But you two are... there's something special about you two. If any two people can get passed all you've been through, it's you and Ray."

"But how can I be around him, knowing he's disappointed in me... oh god maybe if I wasn't pregnant he'd..."

"Stop that right now. This is something amazing Neela, you're going to have a baby! And me and Abby and Luka and everyone can see how brilliant that is going to be for you and everyone else. And I'll take ten bets that Ray can see that too. Just... stop worrying, and start enjoying."

I smiled up at him, sniffling still. "You're right. But Ray..."

"Is going to be around, and there's nothing either of us can do about that. Look I'm pretty sure I can still read that guy and I'm pretty sure that this move is not just a coincidence. I saw how he looked at you, how he has always looked at you."

"I can't even think about that right now. Being pregnant is hard enough, never mind still... still being in love with him."

Brett smiled. "At least you're admitting it this time. Look, don't worry about it, don't think about it. Just... see how everything turns out."

"You're not allowed to meddle," I said, looking at him sternly.

"Would I do that?" he asked, trying to look innocent.

"You would. And so would Abby. God... I need to tell Abby."

* * *

**A/N reviews would be nice!**


	5. Chapter 5 Ray

Chapter Five- Ray

"_You spent the evening unpacking books from boxes,_

_You passed me up so as not to break a promise_

_Scattered polaroids and sprinkled words around your collar,_

_In the long run... You said you knew this would happen."_

-"Books From Boxes" Maximo Park

I opened the door to my new apartment. Small, but in a good enough area. I didn't need much space anyway. I took a deep breath. I was back in Chicago.

I could remember the first time I'd moved here, a cocky little boy really. I'd just finished med-school and I was starting a whole new life. I went to a bar that first night, met Brett, and we decided to start a band. Now here I was; not so much starting a new life, but trying to pick up the pieces of the old one.

"It's a nice place," said a voice from behind me. I looked round, there was Neela standing in the hall, a small smile on her face.

"I've had nicer," I said, before properly thinking the statement through. But she just smiled and stepped inside, closing the door.

"So what you up to tonight?"

I shrugged, "Unpacking I guess."

"Good. I thought we could get a takeaway, and I could help... if you want?"

"That'd be good," I said, without hesitation. "As long as you don't get all clean-freaky of course."

She pushed my shoulder, "You know I can't help that."

I had no idea how tonight would go. Awkwardness would most likely ensue at some point in the evening. But then again, Brett and I had had a perfectly nice evening. Though "perfectly nice" doesn't really fit with drinking a couple of crates of beer and blasting punk music from his already fragile stereo. I think my head still hurt. Neela and I were a completely different situation of course, so many seemingly-innocent stories could easily lead to hurtful places. But we'd have to get over that, if we ever wanted to be friends again. And I think we both wanted to try and be friends.

A few hours later we were sitting on the floor, surrounded by take-away food and photo albums. I could tell I wasn't going to get anywhere near unpacked tonight -Neela had taken it upon herself to look through every single album I had. It might be the hormones but she was completely sentimental about it, welling up at the sight of me in my graduation gown.

"You look so young!"

I smiled, "I was."

"Who'd have thought you'd turn out like this hey?" she asked with raised eyebrows and a little grin. She frowned for a second then added. "Though I can't really say that any more."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you're all responsible now... No longer the punk-ass doctor I used to know."

"I grew up." I stated simply. "It had to happen at some point. And believe me, as angelic I look in that photo it is more of a surprise to everyone back home that I'm a doctor, not some druggie bum."

She laughed softly, a sound I knew I'd never tire of. I had missed it so much. She picked up yet another album and some loose photos fell out.

"Ooo, what are these then? They're from County!" She gasped. "Oh my god my haircut..."

I peered over. Sure enough these were some of the rare snaps I'd taken in my time in County. I'd never had the time to put them in an album. There were cheesy grins all around, and a few glares on Abby's part. Then there was one of Neela, as I knew there would be. It was one of my favourite pictures, taken before I'd really noticed how beautiful she was. She was taking a quick nap in one of the rooms and I'd taken the picture to wake her up with the flash. Her hair was all over the place but she had a small smile on her face.

"I love that picture," I said boldly.

"I knew this would happen," she replied quietly. I didn't understand.

"What... would happen?"

She looked up at me, "That you'd come back. And I'd end up falling for you again. Or rather, realise I've never stopped falling."

I leaned forward and did the only thing I could think of. I kissed her. At first she kissed me back and it felt... so right. Everything else melted away, just like the last time. Nothing else mattered when I was kissing her. The years just disappeared and we were roomies and best friends and she was the woman I loved the most.

Then she pushed me gently away. "Ray... I can't do this. I wish I could, but I can't."

"I... Neela, I know that it wouldn't be perfect. I know that I'm not..."

"No," she interrupted. "You are perfect. It's not you at all. It's just... I can't just think about myself any more. I promised myself I wouldn't."

"Couldn't we just... try? Does it have to be a definite no?"

She looked hesitant.

"Because honestly Neela," I said, taking her hand in mine. "If, after all these years, we have a chance to maybe make it work... then I don't think I can be the one to let it pass."

* * *

**A/N Sorry it's been so long. R/L ya know.**

**Anyway, I know this story is moving quite quickly, but I didn't want it to be the usual angsty, will-they-won't-they. I wanted some honesty straight away. Hope it works okish.**


	6. Chapter 6 Neela

**A/N I'm not back completely I'm afraid. But I am going to try and get a few chapters of this story out asap. Hope you enjoy!!**

**ROOMIE FLUFF!!**

Chapter Six -Neela

"_There is something that I see_

_In the way you look at me_

_There's a smile, there's a truth in your eyes"_

-"It Is You I Have Loved" Dana Glover

"Ray I..." I looked at him, a face so familiar despite the years we'd been apart. A face that was constantly in my dreams. I don't know what had made me want to tell him, I guess I just didn't want to go through the same ups and downs as last time. I had wanted to be open. But what was the point unless I wanted to risk everything with him...

I hadn't expected him to feel the same way. I realised that now. I had truly thought he would freeze, then awkwardly tell me he thought we should just be friends. I hadn't thought that he too had spent these years thinking of me. And even now, after all I'd told him, all my mistakes... he still wanted me. He had kissed me. My head was telling me not to risk it, that I'd end up hurt again. But my heart was telling me to take the risk. I had listened to my head for so long and I'd always ended up hurting myself and Ray. Maybe for once the option that seemed the least sensible... maybe that was the right thing to do.

"Could we... do you think... we'd be able to?"

He nodded. "We can try. Maybe it won't work out... but after all we've been through..."

I knew what he meant. After all we'd been through, surely we deserved this. This one good chance. And it could work. "What about... the baby?"

"Neela, I love you. You're the only woman I've ever truly loved. And nothing would ever ever make me stop loving you. Obviously it isn't my baby but it's yours and I think I would love it just as well as any father... if you wanted me to. It's up to you how involved I am."

"You'd actually... want to be a dad?"

His eyes lit up. "There's only been one woman I can imagine having a family with."

I smiled. "Well, let's see how it goes. We could... date for a while?" I couldn't believe I was saying those words to him. He was only just back in Chicago. Surely neither of us were really being this open, this forward. And yet... after everything we'd been through... of course we were. We'd wasted so much time, there was no point in wasting more. If either of us hadn't wanted this we could have had a friendship, I was sure. But both of us did want the other. Needed the other. Why say no?

"What on earth will Abby say," he said, laughing.

"She may faint with the shock of it all. Us, being open with each other? What has the world come to?"

"Let's promise that, whether it works out or not, let's promise we'll be open with each other."

"Good promise," I said grinning. Then, daringly, I leaned forward and kissed him again. The thrill of knowing that this was allowed, that no-one was getting hurt made the kiss even better.

Two weeks later I was sitting in a play park with Abby. Joe was running round with one of his friends and we were talking on a bench. It was a lovely February day, the weather was just starting to get sunny again. Though it was still too cold to not wear a coat.

"I saw Ray yesterday," she said, looking at me meaningfully.

I sighed, "Go on."

"That man does not shut up about you Neela. It's annoying. I thought he was bad when he was secretly in love with you, but now..." she smiled. "It's sweet, it really is."

"I thought it was annoying?" I said with a smile.

"No, the moping around was annoying. This I can live with. But I'm still going to tease him about it."

I grinned. "You're evil. But I think I shall too."

"So it's going well?" she asked.

"Extremely." I was unable to hide the grin that spread across my face. "Everything just seems to work... we're taking it all casually, but it's just... nice."

Abby nodded, knowingly. "I'm glad. I would hate you guys to mess it up again."

"Don't speak too soon. We still have a birth to get through. I'm not sure what that's going to do to us."

"Neela. You know about me and Luka. As much as I love Joe and could never imagine being without him now, at one point I seriously considered having a termination for that exact reason, I thought it would be too much stress for us to cope with. But it just brought us closer together. And with you and Ray I'm sure it'll be the same."

I smiled at Abby, she really was all-knowing. She'd gone through a lot, just as we all had. I just hoped she was right about this. Even though Ray and I were being casual, it wasn't the same as casual anywhere else on the planet. With Ray and I there was always something more. We lived in seperate apartments, thought sometimes he'd stay at mine if we were watching a film, more often than not the night would end with him walking me home and some kisses in the streetlamp. We hadn't progressed any further. I think both of us were scared of ruining what little snippet of happiness we had. One day we might have to take the next steps. But it was early yet. Spring was just starting.

That night Ray sat on the couch next to me, his eyes drifting to sleep. He yawned helplessly.

"You should get home, sleepyhead."

"No, no, I'm fine. I'll wait til the end of the movie."

I grinned, "What's the point? It's not like you have any idea what's happening."

He looked over at me, "The point, silly, is that I get to spend time with you and that doesn't happen all that often." He stroked my hand. "Trust me, I make the most of the time I get."

"Well if that's the case, you can stay if you want. No funny business. But you know, sleep."

"Would I ever dream of anything else?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Barnett. It's you. Of course."

He grinned. "That's the old me. I'm a changed man. Sworn to a life of celibicy."

"A _whole _life?"

He nodded.

I began to get up, "Well you'd best be going then."

He gaped, "Neela Rasgotra, are you saying that if I don't have sex with you at somepoint in the future our relationship is over?"

I settled back down and considered. "Yep. I am indeed saying that."

"Well if that's the case." He leaned over and kissed me, then began kissing my neck, my shoulders...

"Some point in the future Ray!"

He grinned. "Future. Gotcha. But yes, I'd like to stay, if that's alright."

"I'd love it."

A little later, once we were cuddled up in bed he asked "So thought of any names?"

I groaned, "Ray, I thought you were tired."

"And you are avoiding the question. Neela, you're nearly six months, you should at least have some potentials."

"Any I like the sound of I don't like the next time I hear them."

"You're just beign fussy. This baby will have to have a name you know. Baby Rasgotra, as cute as that is, might get a little teasing in kindergarten."

"I'll decide a name. I will."

"I've got a great one."

I looked over at him, grinning cheekily. "Go on?"

"Ray. Or for a girl. Rayola."

I burst out laughing. "Rayola? You have got to be joking."

He looked hurt. "What's wrong with Rayola?"

I tried to stop myself giggling. "Oh nothing I mean... it's just..."

He started shaking and for a moment I thought I'd made him cry. Then I realised he was shaking with laughter. "Oh god Neela, please never ever call your child Rayola."


End file.
